As a counselor I have sat with countless women who have experienced sexual abuse. Only one had reported her assault, because she and a friend were able to report together on the same man. Most women do not report, and if they do it is rarely right away. In many cases, I was the first person they ever told, years later. I thought about ways to write about this topic, increasingly in the news as more women do speak out and raise awareness on the frequency of sexual abuse and assault. I felt the best approach was to make a list of the reasons women have directly told me that they did not tell anyone about their abuse.
Here are the reasons why women I know did not report (#WhyIDidntReport):
- “I knew it would tear apart my family.”
- “I thought it was my fault.”
- “I didn’t know it was rape because it wasn’t violent.”
- “No one would have believed me.”
- “He told me not to tell anyone or he’d hurt me again.”
- “I didn’t remember the attack at all until years later.”
- “I didn’t remember all the details.”
- “I was a child and he was my parent.”
- “I didn’t realize it was wrong.”
- “I felt ashamed.”
- “I didn’t want to ruin his life.”
- “My family didn’t talk about serious things.”
- “The first person I told blamed me.”
- “Good Christian girls don’t talk about that.”
- “He was my brother who was favored by my parents.”
- “He was my boyfriend and I wanted him to love me.”
- “It was a while ago, there is no evidence so it’s my word against his.”
- “I was afraid I would get taken from my parents.”
- “I was too scared to talk to the police.”
- “I didn’t want to go to court and tell strangers what happened.”
- “I was frozen with fear and could never get the words out.”
- “I wanted to just try to forget about it.”
- “I didn’t think my parents would handle the news well.”
- “He was my pimp and he knew where I was at all times.”
- “I didn’t want to have to see him again in a courtroom.”
These are the reasons that immediately come to my mind that I can directly link to someone’s story. I’m sure there are more, and certainly other women have other reasons besides these. The fact that I can create a list of 25 different reasons in about 5 minutes troubles me. Our world should not be this way.
Pastors, let me speak to you directly. With hashtags like #MeToo and #ChurchToo, I have heard some troubling responses to the discussion about sexual abuse against women. Many pastors and Christian men have responded with a focus on how the world is no longer safe for men with accusations becoming more prevalent. Please, when you think on this topic, and even more so when you speak on this topic, focus on women. Focus on believing them. Focus on their safety. Focus on the ways this can teach us about how we contribute to fear and suppression of information. If you are concerned for all the men when you hear these women’s stories, you are fundamentally beholden to a dangerous system that looks nothing like the Kingdom of God. Jesus drove away the men with the stones, he listened to women, and he valued them. Now more than ever, we need you to do the same. Thank you to all those who have listened, believed, and responded with compassion.